A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot if you wrote the instructions on the heel. 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners I didnt know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. I never knew my real ladder. Hes done it again!, When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. I told the Inland Revenue I dont owe them a penny. Youre drunk.. I think my friend is dead! he yells. Face your problems, dont Facebook them., 4. They got six months each. Alex Del Bene. Want to turn someones frown upside down? 2. Two monkeys were getting into the bath. Thats the day when I take out the garbage., 16. That cushion softens the blow when the inevitable bad stuff hits: misunderstanding, frustration, and disconnection. Then, it hit me. The steaks are too high. Submitted by Tommy Cooper, As an assisted-living caregiver, I have a 92-year-old client, Margaret, with whom I bake cookies. Its not a gong. My New Years resolution is to get in shape. 'Submitted by John Langley. A dog is a bitch, dogs bark. Oh yesthe news. The son comes home in the afternoon. Please, not while Im eating.Submitted by Shirleen Slabber, I got an A on my very first university English paper. Ill ask your sister. Im talking to that little jerk on your knee!, Im always struck by the unbridled optimism of conspiracy theorists. Ive spent the week with seven beautiful women. Do not fret, my son, says the priest. Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. After working late one evening, I stopped at the drive-through on my way home. Bless me father, for I have sinned, he says. You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying: I just find it funny how Because there is a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny., 30. When he answers the door shes standing there in a slinky black dress. The wife says that yes, he could. Thats why this suit is only $30., Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suits left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/TopicLinksContainer.3b33fc17a17cec1345d4_.css.map*/, A standard British one is "You couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery.". If you liked that joke, youll get a kick out of these hilarious thesaurus mistakes. You cant make somebody love you. A vegan said to me, People who sell meat are gross!, I said, People who sell veggies are grocer. Adele Cliff, comedian. 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, Did you hear about the identical twins who robbed a bank? How do you know? My dog told me.Submitted by Sourabh Bhatia, A man with a huge grin approaches a priest. And, of more recent coinage, for our Iraqui readers: Couldn't organise a hanging on a gallows. The blacksmith instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, Ill lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.. Literally nothing is rhombus shaped. 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding Who could think of safe, new football jokes? In addition to the 70 jokes below, we've also got dad jokes , jokes for kiddos , mom jokes , and jokes for holidays that you can share them with the youngest person in the room. 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults A book just fell on my head. It's stopped twerking. ", "Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. A car hit an elderly man. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, Hey, you jerk! He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. Id like to start with the chimney jokes Ive got a stack of them. Couldn't organise a blow-job in a brothel. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. He fought with me again! At your age, I wouldnt touch alcohol! Detector: Beep. Mother laughs: Ha! Will I die? she asks. As they are walking out of the restaurant, Jenna starts to rifle through her purse to find her keys. [Read: How to be witty 25 ways to win everyone over with your charm]. No, she said. They left a little note, it said Parking Fine. Tim Vine. I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. The shaken turtle replies, I dont know. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. ' @brotigupta, Under quarantine, marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law. Oops.Submitted by Robert Rea, Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. Get ready for more witty bar jokes anyone can remember. Submitted by Fred Meckley, A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him. Submitted by Tyler Meason, The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. If you open a space up for me, I swear Ill give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday., Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. These funny work cartoonswere made for sharing at the office. Want to know whether you should be kicking your lover to the curb? Thanks to them, it's easier than ever to memorize one or two quips to fill those awkward silences at your next backyard barbecue. After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. Later that evening, he parked his pickup in front of Sarahs house and left it there all night. To get to the other side. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes When a daydreaming taxi driver accidentally drove past his destination, his passenger gently tapped him on the shoulder from the back seat. Theyre full of small bells.. Follow us on Instagram Facebook Twitter Pinterest and we promise, well be your lucky charm to a beautiful love life. You should be seeing a psychiatrist, The guys replies, I am seeing a psychiatrist., The dentist says, Well then what are you doing here?. Of course, those who arent in the direct line of insult will no doubt find it hilarious! 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes Well well wellif it isnt autocorrect. Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.. There are no fish under the ice! He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. No more Mr Rice Guy. Tim Vine, My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements. Doctor: Oh, we are in this together. Since shes in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. Im sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he rattled off his sales pitch so quickly that I couldnt get a word in. During one visit, we were both busy with this task when the phone rang. If youre looking for a sassier way to go through life, these smartass quotes with advice are sure to help. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, Not guilty. The defendant leaps to his feet. Love you too. Laughfactory.com, Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Why would you post that sign? Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.Submitted by L.B. Is it true, she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? Yes, Im afraid so, said the doctor. But it was me first day with the hook.. Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast. They planet. You have to touch them all over before they respond. Next time you're at a loss for words, try out one of these one-liners andwatch your popularity soar!*. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, Nice going! I turned to a man who had been waiting alongside me the whole time and said, Sir, how long have you been waiting?, He looked at his watch and said, Since last year. Misir Doobay, Toronto. A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the highway. Hope that helped raise your smartass quota for the week. Why does my brother always attack my knees playfully? You cheap bum! she yells. "c**tpuffin, "It's always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they're always taking things literally. Im going back to living my fabulous life before you interrupted it to remind me that there are still assholes in this world., 20. ! Doctor: Nine.. The first guy says, Lets go in there for a pint., The second guy says, They wont let us in with our dogs., First guy: Sure they will, just follow my lead., He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, I cant let you in here with that dog., He replies, Oh, Im blind and this is my seeing-eye dog., The second guy sees this and does the same thing. How do you think I feel? asks his companion. (Consider yourself warned! After a few minutes, the bird yells, Wheres my scotch? One day, the eight-year-old had a spelling bee with her sister. It doesnt have to be Pi Day (March 14) to bring out thesefunny math jokes! and the one on the right is where I go to church., The man sneers, Thats the church I used to attend!, Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing., Theres a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. Submitted by Max Cooper, The doctor replies, Sorry, I dont follow youSubmitted by Christine Schrum, After a husband and wife have a heated argument, the wife calls her mother. ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{background-color:#fff;box-shadow:0 0 0 1px rgba(0,0,0,.1),0 2px 3px 0 rgba(0,0,0,.2);transition:left .15s linear;border-radius:57%;width:57%}._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS:after{content:"";padding-top:100%;display:block}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:start;justify-content:flex-start;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-navIconFaded10);border:2px solid transparent;border-radius:100px;cursor:pointer;position:relative;width:35px;transition:border-color .15s linear,background-color .15s linear}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-buttonAlpha10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq{border-width:2.25px;height:24px;width:37.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:19.5px;width:19.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3{border-width:3px;height:32px;width:50px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3 ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:26px;width:26px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD{border-width:3.75px;height:40px;width:62.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:32.5px;width:32.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO{border-width:4.5px;height:48px;width:75px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:39px;width:39px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO{border-width:5.25px;height:56px;width:87.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:45.5px;width:45.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{-ms-flex-pack:end;justify-content:flex-end;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{cursor:default}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{box-shadow:none}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-buttonAlpha10)} The wife says that yes, he could. It's sad how my friend got his medical license revoked for sleeping with a patient. Me: 2011. Whenever we'd start talking and she didn't want to hear it she would sing, "Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole, to wipe his butt hole, and see the world!!". "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He needed a little space. Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister.". By having the last say, youre leaving them dumbfounded and not sure what to say in response. 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes Now, sure. An officer comes across a man who is clearly under the influence. Hes telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. ._9ZuQyDXhFth1qKJF4KNm8{padding:12px 12px 40px}._2iNJX36LR2tMHx_unzEkVM,._1JmnMJclrTwTPpAip5U_Hm{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);margin-bottom:40px;padding-top:4px;text-align:left;margin-right:28px}._2iNJX36LR2tMHx_unzEkVM{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2iNJX36LR2tMHx_unzEkVM ._24r4TaTKqNLBGA3VgswFrN{margin-left:6px}._306gA2lxjCHX44ssikUp3O{margin-bottom:32px}._1Omf6afKRpv3RKNCWjIyJ4{font-size:18px;font-weight:500;line-height:22px;border-bottom:2px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line);color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);margin-bottom:8px;padding-bottom:8px}._2Ss7VGMX-UPKt9NhFRtgTz{margin-bottom:24px}._3vWu4F9B4X4Yc-Gm86-FMP{border-bottom:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line);margin-bottom:8px;padding-bottom:2px}._3vWu4F9B4X4Yc-Gm86-FMP:last-of-type{border-bottom-width:0}._2qAEe8HGjtHsuKsHqNCa9u{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);padding-bottom:8px;padding-top:8px}.c5RWd-O3CYE-XSLdTyjtI{padding:8px 0}._3whORKuQps-WQpSceAyHuF{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon);margin-bottom:8px}._1Qk-ka6_CJz1fU3OUfeznu{margin-bottom:8px}._3ds8Wk2l32hr3hLddQshhG{font-weight:500}._1h0r6vtgOzgWtu-GNBO6Yb,._3ds8Wk2l32hr3hLddQshhG{font-size:12px;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._1h0r6vtgOzgWtu-GNBO6Yb{font-weight:400}.horIoLCod23xkzt7MmTpC{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:#ea0027}._33Iw1wpNZ-uhC05tWsB9xi{margin-top:24px}._2M7LQbQxH40ingJ9h9RslL{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon);margin-bottom:8px}
Dj Icey Break To The Dance Volume 2,
Jodie Whittaker Daughter Name,
Pacify Multiplayer How Many Players,
Scott Nelson Obituary,
James Spader Political Views,
Articles Y